The Changing Rules of the Dating Game

A hundred years ago, when there was no Internet; no social networking and no texting, it was a lot harder to ask a girl out on a date. One dated a man or a woman from a well-known and respected family in town and courtships were first accepted and approved by parents. Back then, parents had to give permission before their kids were allowed to go on a date. They knew where they were going and when they would be back home. But the rules have changed now. In fact, the kids are the ones dictating the rules now not even the parents. Perhaps a few are still going by the old rules but my guess is, they are the minority or even termed as ‘old school.’

I remember back in the 80’s before my older sisters got married, their suitors always came to our house to see them and most times, they were in the sitting room where everyone could see them. They were rarely left alone and many of the times the suitors came was when our parents were also around. If they went out, they always returned at a certain hour not late at night. There was some form of strictness about how opposite sex related in those days. For two people who were dating or courting, it was a not acceptable to see their bodies at close proximity to each other not to even talk of kissing each other, that was considered abominable. 

Today, it's an unusual occurrence if parents know who their son or daughter is dating, if they know at all. This contrast has been aided by the internet. People "date" other people in different states; even different countries and now we even have same sex dating. 

In the first decade of the twentieth century, the term "called upon" was used by men to call young women whom they liked by (with the permission of her parents) visiting her home. They would spend time together, under the supervision of her parents so that they may get to know each other on an intellectual and emotional level. The couple was rarely left alone, which made any physical contact or sexual intimacy almost impossible. Since lower-class families did not have the resources to entertain potential suitors in their home, many couples began leaving the house to spend time together. This was what gave rise to the phrase "going out on a date." During this period, dating was typically defined as the period of time two people spend together (in an exclusive or nearly exclusive, nonsexual relationship) before marriage. However, in today's society, dating is defined in many different ways and it means different things to the people involved with no ending point or specific destination (such as marriage) required.

During the World War II era and well into the 1940s, there were few young male adults in the United States as a result of the mandatory draft, most of them were overseas fighting the war and many never returned. Women became less concerned with a man's status and more about his survival. A new relationship style called "going steady" emerged. Across university campuses, couples made public their decision to "go steady" when the man gave the woman a piece of his clothing to wear, such as a jacket or sweater. In both "going steady" and "dating" relationships in the 1940s and 1950s (unlike those of previous generations), peers had a much larger influence on the relationship than did the family. As the twentieth century progressed, young couples were more likely to partake in premarital sex within the context of committed relationships.

During the Women's Movement of the mid-1960s and the emergence of the birth control pill, a sexual revolution began. The Women's Movement enforced the idea that women, like men, were sexual beings who had desires and the right to receive pleasure. People began to have more sexual encounters, due to the newly acquired liberal attitudes that the birth control pill allowed. Students were also more willing to have sex outside of committed relationships because they had easy access to birth control pills. Sex before marriage became less of a taboo and more of the norm. This time, period birthed the beginning of the "hookup" culture. Many young adults on college campuses began partying and experimenting with alcohol and hallucinogenic drugs. This new crowd activity replaced the typical date night that existed in the past.

With the rise of the hook-up culture has come a change in the overall mentality behind dating. Terms like "girlfriend," "boyfriend," and "partner" are now used more often when describing a person's significant other. The focus in the 21st century is less about finding someone to date, court and marry than finding someone who can be fun “for the moment.” “Raised in the age of so-called ‘hookup culture,’ millennials—who are reaching an age where they are starting to think about settling down—are subverting the rules of courtship,” The New York Times reported. Instead of dinner-and-a-movie, which seems as obsolete as a rotary phone, they rendezvous over phone texts, Facebook posts, instant messages and other ‘non-dates’ that are leaving a generation confused about how to land a boyfriend or girlfriend.

For the average 20 or 30-year-old, a traditional date includes using a smartphone app to locate someone of the opposite sex whose physical appearance is appealing, texting him or her, meeting in a bar, mumbling through conversation with the person in between texting friends, and then possibly returning to the other’s apartment for a late-night tryst.

If there is any type of connection, the two may decide to text each other later to “hang out” or “hook up” again. This could lead to them getting to know each other better and potentially moving in together. After a few months or years pass, this could also lead to them getting married or (more likely) splitting up to find someone else with whom to start the whole process again.

These days, many people are out to look for fun, not love or maybe a combination of both. The internet age has also given rise to the online dating sites which make it easier (but not necessarily safer) for people to meet themselves and date each other. 

Each generation has developed a new form of dating to add to the relationship spectrum and the main contribution of the 21st century is the hookup. Some may view this addition as a step backward, but it is really just an added facet to the diversity of relationships. While some people may not see traditional dating as desirable in the 21st century, there is still a large subset of people who enjoy going on traditional dates and desire a long-term, monogamous relationship. 

Although we may not want our courtships to mirror those of the early twentieth century, we should, perhaps, heed the advice of the generations before us in that we should get to know who we date and set clear boundaries right from the start. Another thing I believe is also crucial is getting the opinions of our loved ones about our date. What increases our chances of a healthy relationship is the wealth of information we get as regards to their past and who they truly are because many people pretend to be who they are not. Childhood friends can also add insight with regard to a person's character. If no childhood/younger year friends exist in a person's present; this is in itself a red flag. Our parents, siblings and friends have a way of seeing benefit all the nice facades that love (or lust) may blind us to. The above-mentioned people can inform, endorse, and attest to a person's moral fiber. And a little background check never hurt anyone. The more we know, the better our courtships become.

Most importanly, praying about someone you are interested in or who is interested in you will reveal the mind of God to us about that person. Never leave God out of your relationships because He knows the end from the beginning. 

References

http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/history-dating
http://www.examiner.com/article/dating-then-and-now-courtships